Wool gym shorts and the jihad.

At Tile Hill Woods School and Language College, in Coventry, the school uniforms are a seriously unsexy green.  When I attended, there was a little brown hat that went with it, dialing the humiliation right off the freaking charts. There was a lot of Muslim students, too, but no-one wore a headscarf/hat every day. Maybe they were sent to school with a headscarf, but stashed it away on the bus. I had a pair of shoes that I hated because they made me look like something out of a creepy swedish folk tale. I would take them off on the bus and put my old pinchy shoes on instead.

So the school uniform policy has had to evolve to embrace the salwar kameez . Can you imagine the misery of yards of dark green polyester draped all over your body and your head?

Salwar Kameez:  Bottle green uniform fabric (silky fabrics are not uniform), school design encouraged.

Headscarf:  Plain black (optional). White headscarves may be worn in summer.

In this simple policy, the language school shows a balance of concession and tradition. Making sure everyone feels bloody hideous no matter what creed you are.

BTW: Back when I went to  THW, we also wore thick wooly underpant/shorts and a polo shirt for gym class. A carnival of pasty gooseflesh. No wonder the British are so kinky.

December Menoporns – Wobble-knee Slap-dancing Samoans

How badass do you have to be to make a sarong look tough? This guy looks like he sprang out of Cher’s accessory basket, and he’s still all dude.  That’s a feather headpiece, people.  A full-on Vegas.

It’s decided. Samoans get all the good bits from the salad bar of ethnic features.

I might like to go on holiday where Samoan men in sarongs might be all swarthy in my general vicinty.

 

 

 

 

The battle-axe decision.

Nel mezzo del cammin di nostra vita
mi ritrovai per una selva oscura,
ché la diritta via era smarrita.
Midway on our life’s journey, I found myself
In dark woods, the right road lost.

 

In the up-slope direction the forest thins, revealing a ground almost denuded of foliage; the path is lined with faux-marble statuary and tinkling wind chimes.

The way leading down into the forest valley seems treacherously uneven, overgrown with moss and littered with ice-cream sandwich wrappers and empty killians bottles.

The news is full of cougars, milfs, gilfs, as our new modern standard for proper middle age. There’s simply no excuse for not being in flared lounge pants and a supportive top. But the pantheon of elder females from my childhood was rather different.  These women were sturdy and slow moving. I recall their bodies as huge monoliths of compressed flesh. They could take one of today’s cougars  down with a hairgrip shiv and make it look like a tanning bed accident all while stretching the roast for one more supper.  I would very much  like to see our culture re-aquaint itself with that rarely-tapped minority, the battle-axe.

How did women earn that epithet?

Imagine such a tool, heavy and sharp, nicked along its blade by the occasional resistant femur, its handle stained by all the ways a person can leak. It’s aesthetic value is entirely based on it’s ability to illustrate a narrative, one of survival, loss, utility and despair.

Army Manuals Online

 

Stay calm.

When one finds oneself  in peril deep, there is nothing quite so reassuring as the matter-of-fact, patrician tone of an army manual. Where else can you get the answer to the question of intestines – to tuck back in, or not? answered calmly, clearly. No. Do not tuck them back in. Bandage them where they are, against the body.

When the plague hits, when the sky rains ruin,  when you are inside out, here you will find the most important survival skill of all: chin up.

army manuals

U.S. Public charges banks $3.1 Trillion Non-Sufficient Funds Overdraft Fee

Dear Sirs,

I’m afraid I am going to have to levy an N.S.F. fee for your failure to cover your withdrawals. This will put your account into the negative beyond your transactional buffer, for which you will incurr another fine.  At this point your account will be frozen until you make contact with an account representative, who will assist you, for a fee, to unlock your account.  If you would like a paper statement of your account transactions, that will be another $10.

p.s. I’m keeping the pen from the drive-thru.

America has a website.

Why does America’s website look like a community college student portal?

http://www.usa.gov

It’s an appropriately earnest and joyless effort, yet riddled with rabbit holes. Parts of it have been translated into all the languages of the world. The part that has the most translations is a diagram of the water cycle.  it’s in Sotho, Kyrgyz, Wolof.  I guess if you are an Wolof speaker, and you want to know about America, all we are prepared to say to you is “Look! Rain!”.  When the Wolof person looks up, America will dash away…

We’re all gonna die.

 

 

If you enjoy a bracing hit of paranoia to clear the cobwebs, this is a pretty good place to start…


http://www.recombinomics.com/News/01260902/H5N1_China_H2H_Concerns.html

Important people in lab coats think that H5N1 may have become asymptomatic in some birds, due to the crapshoot nature of avian innoculation in those countries where people love to cover themselves in chickens.

And the first wave of trouble will be coming not from the bird flu, but from this news hitting cnn with that biohazard graphic slapped all over it, and the parking lot at Walmart becoming a Darwinian Wipeout episode as everyone decides to stock up on smokes and bullets.

What would you need to survive for 3 months in your house, without leaving? What do you really know how to do?

Time for a list…

Meno-porns, January.

Where, oh where,  is the beefcake calendar for the hormonally sputtering, exhaustipated masses?

“There is nothing hotter than a woman enjoying a monte christo sandwich”

Is it too much to ask for a simple  wall calendar of Gerard Butler with his shirt off, pointing towards a shoe sale and holding out a nice sherry trifle?

There is only one Gerard Butler calendar out there and it’s fully shirted. Also, the pictures are kind of grey and grainy, and he looks a bit haunted, like they were taken by paparazzi.

for you…

Now, granted, if  I ever did get a glimpse of said Gerard Butler, he’s  probably going to be looking fairly cornered and reluctant, but that’s not the point. I just want a big glossy beefcake with a side of nipular smirkage. for January.

The smell of depression & a drugstore stimulus package: Je Reviens and Tabu

Je Reviens by Worth

Je Reviens by Worth

images2

Tabu by Dana

Tabu, and  Je Reviens are both very strong perfumes that came out during the great depression.

There is a story in my family about my grandmother defending my grandfather in a scuffle by swinging her purse at a man’s head. That purse, containing a full and sizeable container of Je Reviens talcum, functioned like a sock full of wet sand and knocked the man down. As his ear hit the curb, he probably noticed the acute dryness of the topnotes. It is all aldehydes, which is when your nose is banging on the glass window, obviously screaming, but you can’t quite hear it. It is the loudest smell just out of our range, and it has been scorching our nose-hairs for longer than women have worn pants.   But Je Reviens has re-emerged on the market, and amongst the sugary musks and pink velour  it is still as startling and unique as a turquoise handbag hurtling at your face.

Tabu is a great perfume if you can’t afford soap. It throws garlands around B.O., it lights the candle, it puts on the Barry White,  juggles the balled-up socks  and you better put down the remote and tell her she’s special or you’ll get flayed alive by leg hair. No woman should be without a little bottle, as i believe for primate sexual signals it is the equivalent of your butt swelling up like a giant purple catcher’s mitt.

Dress 10lbs lighter…

As someone who gets two kids up and out at an ungodly hour every day, I’m thinking this is a good look. I can see the benefits.  There are many mornings when i don’t want to let go of the bedspread, either.

Has anyone who wears a full-on burka got internet access? I would love to know the tricks of living with this garment.
Can muslim women mod their burkas? Sew headphones into them? A girdle of ninja throwing stars?  A gps readout visor with a wicked uv filter and photovoltawhatnots sewn into the fabric and a scrambled-egg-burrito warmer?

I’d like one with an iron-on decal of a much thinner, younger woman.

Wearing a burka is probably deeply comforting, in a here-i-am-safe-in-my-ladytent kind of way. Except for the parts when they are throwing rocks at your head.  Are there camoflage burkas?  Kevlar?  If they weren’t so deeply associated with oppression and lady-smacking, I think they could find a sweet market in the exhausted carpool mother demographic.

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